I was dating a gorgeous, funny and extremely sexy girl and she kept telling me all this while that I am the nicest man she has known.
So, I tried my best to be that. A nice Man.
Few months down the line, she asked me to fuck off.
I cried. I drank. I ate junk.
But most importantly I introspected because this was a pattern with me. It can’t be that in all of these failed relationships, the common denominator was me.
In spite of all these talks of accepting yourself as who you are. It is important to know that you can work on yourself to change yourself for the better.
Lots of people including me were made to believe that being nice is desirable from a very early age in order to be accepted in society and to be liked by everyone. My parents taught me to be respectful, courteous and to avoid picking up fights with people very early in my life. Every time I spoke loudly or did something which could disturb the flow of their otherwise calm and usual affairs. I was asked to dial it down. Apparently, these qualities were essential to be a good person. In my mind, it was deeply ingrained that you’re only a good person if you respect everyone, not have any fights with anyone and are liked by everyone.
Remember how many times were you told to not be too loud, behave and do what they say without asking questions when you were little? Umpteen times I am sure.
Some of the traits of these people are as follows:
- Being agreeable to other people in order to avoid conflicts.
- Being too available for the other person.
- Too soft-spoken.
- Not letting other people know about your shortcomings in order to make them like you.
- Being a people pleaser.
But when you grow up and move out of the protective nature of your surroundings in the real world and start forming bonds with people who are not your own, these ideas of being a good person often fall apart. You find yourself in unfamiliar territory where all your good person deeds often do not payback.
You carry all these traits in your relationships too. You think being a good person is enough to make your relationships work. You talk nicely, you act nicely, you speak softly, you hide your shortcomings and you do all of this in order to please them.
However, these traits reflect badly in your relationship.
- When you want to avoid conflicts in a relationship, you’re basically giving up on your identity as a person. You must be very clear about what you expect from another person. There should be a healthy communication between two adults where both of them are not scared to put forward their opinions.
- Being soft-spoken is another trait of agreeable people. They do not want to offend their partners in a relationship and hence they carry on with full agreement with whatever their partner wants. This means they give up on their own opinions and beliefs. Such people often have full-blown breakdowns when that inbuilt anger is no longer controllable and such breakdowns damage relationships.
- Most people believe that if they expose themselves fully in front of their partners, they might not love them anymore. Basically, they are cheating their partners. They are trying to project a perfect image of themselves. Sadly, this isn’t a long term solution, it can be handy to impress your date initially but is not enough to sustain a relationship in the long run.
- Some people try hard to please their partners, so much so that they don’t mind treated like a doormat. They don’t demand respect in a relationship. When you don’t respect yourself enough, another person in a relationship has no motive to respect you either. Sadly, most people think, pleasing their partners would help their relationship become smooth, in reality, it’s the complete opposite.
Don’t get me wrong. It is a good thing to be a nice, respectful and courteous human being but it is equally important to be able to stand up for yourself.